For the First Time

At the end of 2012 my life came to a screeching halt. 
Everything I thought I knew was pulled out from under my feet.
Everything I thought I had, became frantically and painfully unclear. 
Everything I thought I was was reduced to smoke and dust. 

My husband and I had come to a crossroad in our marriage. 
The following months would prove to be the hardest time of our lives. 
During the following couple of years, I would spend most of my efforts balancing a devastating self-death and a new life awakening, each like I'd never known possible. I clung to God and my family with all I could muster. And when I had nothing, God heald me afloat.  

Fast forward to six years later and we have an entirely different life than the one we built during our first 12 years of marriage. 

We have since learned a new way. God has restored our marriage and strengthened our bond. 
We have become a different family. 
Our son quickly learned a better way of being - A healthier way, in which his parents are equals, and he is safe to grow and explore in our love, guidance and care.  

We also lost and let go of a lot. Including most of the people we had and loved. Our schedules, goals, circles, groups, and traditions. I abandoned almost all of the things I enjoyed doing - photography, writing, painting, home decorating, horseback riding...  

Two years ago we moved to a different house. We got rid of everything we owned except clothes, a bedroom set, and a dining room table. We gutted our new home, created our dream of a beautiful, simple, low maintenance life. We bought all new furniture and kitchenware, towels, rugs, drapes, pillows, mattresses, lawn and garden equipment. Everything. 
We made new friends with the many wonderful neighbors we have been so blessed with. 

God led us to a church after three years of drawing us to Him outside of the modern western construct. My husband serves on the creative team, producing the sound stream for the online campus. I facilitate a program that teaches women how to heal from past and present trauma in their lives. 

We started serving in our community homeschool organization, leading their Tween Group. 

My son and I fell in love with trick skateboarding at a local indoor skate park. 

But with all of these changes, most of which have been positive, there have been things yet unfinished. Some lingering, difficult, painful shards in the aftermath of our turning point. 

For me, I would have said the main problem is that "I used to be someone". 

But I have recently discovered some important, revealing facts about this "someone" I claim and have longed to restore to varying degrees over the past several years. 

These facts:
1. My old self was not founded in my identity in Christ. 
2. My old self was hurting me and the people around me.
3. My old self was just as worthy of God's plan as my current self - just not as available to receive it.   
Over the past six years I have discovered all these feelings of unworthiness, insignificance, negative self talk, melancholy, loneliness, hopelessness, depression, anger, guilt, shame... 

For years I have believed these feelings originated at the point of my marital trauma. But the truth is, it was only then, when I let down my defenses, let go of my false security, and relinquished my control, that I was able to uncover what was really beneath the surface all the years before that.

I have always been insecure and uncertain of my value. I just used a facade to hide those feelings from myself and everyone else. 

Here I was, so afraid all these years that I was losing myself. That I wouldn't be able to "be someone" ever again. That right along with all we lost and let go of, I too was gone.
I had reduced myself to permanently damaged goods. 

But for the first time in my life I am finally free to learn and embrace who I actually am. 
For the first time I can see that God brought me right here as a blessing to fulfill His promises and restore in me what was broken. 
For the first time I am looking down the unknown road of my future and I can see Light and Life

His Provisions are Clear

There are things He's done -always, and in particular, of late- that I need to keep.

Like the way my truck went bad, and the shop said $5500 for a new engine, and Greg said "wait on Him", and Piano Carolyn's husband Tom called and confirmed. Wait on Him.
And we made ourselves small. And the path to His got clearer. And we said we could be a one car family, and maybe that was the Plan.
And then it was just a wire. And just $550.
And my truck.

Like the way I was later finally convinced that the best idea was to buy a newer SUV to replace mine, to have lower mileage and enough room for Zeek to fit, for family traveling...
And Greg was on the corner coming home early that Friday. To bring me to look at SUVs.
And the F150 backed over the Bug, squishing it on the road. Totaled.
And Greg walked away, unharmed.
Days after it was Paid in Full. 
And what would have been $9000 in a sale we weren't considering, turned into $11,600.
And we're back in a Mazda, where we met when this whole life began.

Like the way the Willow removal quotes were in the thousands and we scoffed and watched it sway warnings overhead. Stood tall and sure through the biggest winter storm of the year, in April. Winds 40 and 50 mph. Then, weeks later, in the dead still of midnight, it laid itself down to the spring fresh ground in the only space it wouldn't tough a thing. And thousands turned to affordable hundreds. And sweet little Eugene showed up talking about Jeanie and the hanging swing. And down it came.

Like the way I posted all that giant, cut up wood online, Free For The Taking, just before Greg took the day off to clean it up with me. And we cleaned, stacked and stored our own share just in time for Bobby to come with his crew and take the rest. $100 later and even the rotten wood was removed.

Like the way things worked out in the attic when the insulation got lodged in the drain tube and everything could have flooded, but He is watching and taking care of us.

Like the way the door kept closing with Tibbs Construction and their $950 quote. And when we stopped trying to walk through it, another door opened, at half the price and immediate scheduling and results.

Like the way the leaking spigot in the laundry room just needed to be tightened down. And the bathtub hardware could be replaced with $65 and some Holy Spirit led elbow grease. And the way fixing the toilet was the same but cheaper.

Like how one thing leads to another Just as He Ordains. Like the way He takes care of it all because it is all His. Like one miracle after the next. We will not look away.

Down Time

It's been awhile since I've been here. I've been journaling and sketching more on my own, and I haven't really had any direction for this space. These are writings I will revisit and reread. I feel inspired and motivated in the right direction by what is here. I love that it reads back to me like someone else's words.

I will keep this place incase there is another season for it. But for now, I will continue the break.
Thanks for visiting.
See you soon.

Counting in Pictures #651-664

* the yellow roses from him

in the maple syrup jug from her

on the window i love

* a mango and a pear, straight up

* the view from my spot on a snowy day

* my favorite tea 

* a flower silhouette on the wall

* how we never leave a room 

without our colored pencil jar

* yellow

* the big sunny entry with that old bench,

the barn wood, shoes lined up in a row...

 * his heart, words, tenderness, arms,

kisses, love letters, strength and devotion, 

his blue eyes for me, and

the way he traces my world with his fingertips

* the morning when our bed looked

so cuddly the way we were the night before -

i didn't have the heart to make it

* always flowers

* mine in my kitchen -

her's in her kitchen

always reminds me of us

* our little house episode every night before 

he's off to "dream land"

and oh how we do recon pa knows best :)

* a big bowl of peanut butter and jelly

Taking Too Much???

I suppose it was inevitable... in seeking to find, and see, and name the gifts overflowing, I draw bent broke over, reaching, stretching hard to find a way to possibly deserve. To bring to light the position to give it all back, after all.

Is it a dysfunctional need for reversal that is based in the lies that He wouldn't give so much, wouldn't want us to receive so far and beyond our need?

Or is this what God has for a spirit in the depths of certain gratitude?

What more could we possibly be given before what we give feels so small we can't take anymore?

My plans are overshadowed by my commitment to His... so why make other plans than those to be in Him? Why not only stand still and only move when He wills?

He put me right here. Right where I sit, with everything I need to do what He wants me to do for Him. There is nothing to strive for. So what am I doing? 

Should I seek to change our lifestyle, home and income base to what I think would make me better for Him? Less space, less luxury, a happier work situation for my husband, more available finances to give away freely... Or should I be still and see how everything is just as He desires, and all I really have any control over is the one thing I refuse to look at, the only thing I don't try to move or change...
me.

If I stop trying to figure out where I should be and I just look at where I am, wouldn't I be amazed at how much I could be doing for Him, right here?

If I had less and felt stressed and edged my sacrifice further toward worthy would things be any different?

This isn't about my worldly condition or position. It's about my spiritual condition and position. He who finds his life will lose it and he who loses his life for God's sake will find it (Matt10:39).

Why is it so much harder to stop and trust than it is to push and make things happen?

alignment

I do well in the face of adversity. 
I am patient, quiet, loving, sacrificial and good willed. 
It's not by my own skill that this happens. 
It is fruit of obedience from hard reigning myself to His direction.
It's giving me up and letting Him in, over and over until now, where it's become the new habit in place of the old.

But then, when I'm on my own... when I'm doing dishes and my mind gets going away from the spirit of sisters, brothers, or my responsibility to them in His honor... when I wake up from a night of who-knows-what kind of free dreaming and unsound reasoning... when I'm just 51% human and 49% Christ-filled, OH HOW I STUMBLE.

Oh what I deserve.
What I'm owed.
What I need to protect.
What I have earned the right to.
What righteous anger I'm entitled to.

What a thick mess I stir.

I know that if I steer into alignment with God, it all goes away.

I'm not angry at the neighbor dog for making my child panic on his own land. I'm not prideful and protective of my property and our right to be safe.
I don't own land. And I don't put dogs before God's own. And I go to Him. And Trust His power to honor those who call on His name (Psalm 91)

I don't reel in my mind the hurtful things said by a friend. I don't justify my anger or work on ways I might stop people from continuing to run me over with there character flaws. 
I'm forgiving and forgetful. I move and choose by Him. I know full well that I am not different from those who hurt me. We are all flawed, together. And there is peace and fruit that ends the turmoil inside and out (Phil 4:7)

When I align myself with God, I don't worry in the night.
I don't question how to defend myself now, in all my silence.
I don't work on sharpening a new set of tools that will more effectively stop people from hurting me or my family. 
I'm not watching out for myself - taking care that no bad thing is said or done against me.

I sleep sound.
I know fully Who protects me.
I leave way for His work.
I don't just keep quiet. I feel quiet in my spirit.


If I can abandon my flesh, knowing I'm forgiven and that my spirit is what counts, why shouldn't I learn to abandon the flesh of others, knowing they are forgiven, forgiving them, and staying connected to their spirits in Spirit?

I need work in this area. I need good reminding scripture to fill my head and heart.

Don't we all need good reminding scripture to lead us by the hand and fill the gaps with Light?

Thank You, God

Caution

It's taken me awhile, and I still don't believe I've seen the full of it yet, but a third of the way through 2012 I am realizing things I did not understand during my personal trails last year. 

It's so clear now, I'm actually feeling silly. And I'd love to remind myself again that when I am limping through something wondering, "why God? why!!!", that trials are learning and growing pallets. That richness will follow the hurt. And everything will be okay. 

Didn't I absolutely beg Him to quiet me for years?

And here I am, so quiet I have hardly written in months. 

Learning how to love people without talking. 

Figuring out how to share myself without opening my mouth. 

Discovering ways to process life without words. 

Learning how to BELIEVE what I believe even when I'm not saying it.

All of this has it's trials. I've been fooled by it. Wondering why I was breaking down, seeming to have a loss of interest in friends, loosing the writer in me, not knowing what to bring when it isn't noise anymore. 

It can't be noise anymore. 

For so long I've wanted to know what would motivate me to SHUT UP.
And now I have it. 

It's just one word: caution  

I've become painfully aware of how unsafe I made myself and those around me before I realized how dangerous it is to be completely unguarded. 

Two years ago I would have thought that was a sad revelation to come to, because in loose lips there is a great freedom. 

I imagine also, so there would be with a loose stabbing hand, or unbridled driving habits, and that the effects of each would be similar. 

Oh, I begged Him alright. I begged to be over me. I begged to shut up. Begged to know what it is of quiet and cautious that might be so blessed? 

I thought He was sure taking His time fixing me. I was wondering what in me didn't truly want what I was asking for. I was looking for the dotted line I hadn't signed yet. 

But in my hindsight I can see that He was working on it, diligently, all the while.

He knew it would take a lot more than I ever imagined I'd need to finally close my mouth. 

And I'm SO grateful that He's God.  

must keep counting

With such a blessed and even privileged life, I don't know how I can be so annoyed by little things going wrong. I need to list the good, thank God for all of this and more, meditate on what is right and let the wrong go unaccounted for. 

Thank You, Father for

* such an incredible little boy who continues to grow bigger and stronger in size, heart, and prayers

* that white dog, who can't replace the last but does an amazing job of replacing what was once daily tears with new joy 

* the washer and dryer, the dishwasher, disposable disinfectant wipes, the robot vacuum, the self cleaning cat box... all of these convinces that make it possible for me to find time to enjoy life with my family and take care of myself

* the abundance of beautiful surroundings both inside and outside of my home

* a warm winter

* Mark Gungor's sermon about "I don't care", which the mere thought of can put me right back where I belong

* clothes, shoes, jackets, heat, food and water, supplies, cars, gas, homeschool, toys...

* God's love, jealousy, and faithful continuous pursuance

* the picture of my deep failure next to His much greater Grace and Forgiveness

* such love

Monday Blessings

* waking to this incredible house every morning

* remembering how it happened

* the woods out the windows, glowing with fresh white winter

* my family tucked sleeping, inside

* watching intently and keeping near our only son - our miracle

* a safe white dog 

* the hope of new growth in the fresh start of a transplanting

* my Mom's cookies in the cookie jar, actually made by my Mom

* my son's weekend of playing with Gra - ALL weekend

* a happier teen who is ready to do life

* a healing God who knows just what He is doing and has plans for me to prosper

* our GMG Ephesians study

* free worship

* homeschool flexibility

* Greg's job

* cold stone creamery strawberry cheese cake with reeses peanut butter cups

blessings

a crooked scentsy warmer

the streaks I never saw until today on the white cabinets made by the magic eraser over a week ago

the permanent sparkly blue nailpolish that exploded in the dryer last weekend, a continuous reminder of my J. Glynn

5 and 6am mornings at the neighbor's taking care of his hobby farm

that chewed up knobby little wooden dog brush I relinquished to my puppy when it was all she would chew

peanut butter fingerprints and puppy nose prints all over the lower half of my windows

a basement theater TORN APART and waiting for a second renovation wind

dreams of old wooden drawers filled with fresh grown grass on the mantel

Tina, on the counter, all chewed up by the cat who surely doesn't go on the counters in the night

a giant pile of mail, school notices, karate information, coupons, netflix, postcard reminders, etc...

the way that all these imperfections are a part of my beautiful life.

Toward me

When You opened my eyes and ears and mind and heart, You unleashed my spirit to life in You. 

People who knew me said it would be over in two weeks. And not out of cruelty. Just honesty, according to my history. 

Now, over 10 years later, I still stand in complete awe of You. I stand in a kitchen with You, my arms raised, tears streaming, hardly able to squeak out the words of the worship song I promise, knowing You so much more, yet exactly the same as the day I was born. 

You've washed through and through who I am, over and over, year after year. 

The best relationship - the best love of my life is with You. 

And I know, full well, if it weren't for Your Power toward me who believes, there would be none of this. No seeing or hearing, no healing, or growing, no closure or filling, no love like this. There would be no Ezekiel William. There would be no Greg and Lora. There would be no wholeness or walking in this joy and hope if it weren't for You. 

It hasn't been by my own power or ability to stay 10+ years. I know as well as everybody else that I don't know how to stay 10+ years. 

But it has been by the Greatness of Your Power Toward me (Ephesians 1:16-19) that has brought us 10 years, and will hold us through eternity together. 

In Jesus name.

Sub Zero and Still Warm

On a morning like this, when it's -6 degrees, I do grumble inside a bit about having to go out to take care of my neighbor's animals. 

By now I should know better. I'm always so much more as I'm pulling out of that driveway than I was when I arrived. 

It's impossible not to notice and be warmed by it all:

*the little pieces of my friend's unique personality waiting inside the doors of his home

*the running shoes lined against the wall, the wood carved statue he moved from the front porch to the dinning room after I photographed it in silhouette, the piece of bark that looks just like a crow (I had to double check)...

*all six dogs waiting in the bedroom behind the gate that I know someone I love put up last night when they stopped over to tuck them all in

*five poolies running toward the back door to eat some fresh snow and go potty in the yard

*returning to the kitchen for some snuggle time with Chico until the others are ready to come back in

*the way they all look up at me and wait for their little treats

*saying "have a good morning!" to them, and "BEHAVE!" as I close them in to head out to the barn

*the way the snow glistens in rainbow colored glitter under sunlight - God's incredible artwork 

*how I anticipate that sweet chicken greeting as I slam my shoulder into the door to open it

*that crazy noise they make - I can never help but smile and imitate it every time I'm with them

*the young rooster gives me his own little developing "good morning", and I'm glad he thinks so, too

*so close, they don't worry one bit that I'll step on them... 

*I watch carefully and walk as slow as I can, apologizing when I feel a little toe under my shoe

*they will stick their heads in those feed bowls the second one grain hits the bottom- and then it's feed pouring all over their heads, and more smiles from me... goofs

*I can hear them, those sweet goats mah-ah-ah-ah-ing for me in the next room

*the smell of their sweet treat

*today, a chicken actually jumped in the bin when I opened it - they've been "cooped" for two days in this cold and they're getting a little wild

*petting the once skittish little cream colored female goat- I knew it wouldn't take long for her to get comfortable with humans living with her Daddy, Jeff, who likes to take the chickens in the house now and then

*checking the warm heaters that grumpy Kevin lovingly installed in each room yesterday- because of which the water isn't frozen today- whoo-hooo!

*whoever put that stanley hammer next to the door in the pole barn is my hero

*closing the door I yell, "have a good day sweet babies! I love you!" -wondering how many people would think it's insane 

*I mean it though- I love them

*I love knowing the people I'm collaborating with to take care of this place -they are family to me 

*and Jeff, running in Africa, who brings us all here, together, for him 

*the quick drive back to my house with the sun on my back reminds me just how easy it is, and how close we are, to love

even when i don't know why

In the same place again for a second week. A different church. Not the one I've been seeing. Not the way I'd been going. But I feel He wants me here. I've felt Him and seen Him moving in this place for me these past two weeks. 

The infamous speaker is finally speaking. The one who I've heard so much about but never heard speak in the handful of times I've visited. He's speaking alright...  

and he's twisting and ranting a personal, off-putting spin on the character of Peter... and the disciples. I watch him on stage, making Peter into a spotlight monger. A haughty wanna-be. Molding his humility and shock that Jesus' would serve him, so undeserving of such a great honor, into arrogance and idiocy. ??? Painting the picture of an irritated, slandering 12 behind him. ??? 

I look up, higher. "God, this is where You brought me this morning?"

But I see the good, deep hidden in that there will be no idolatry here for me. There'll be no waiting with baited breath for the next Moses, or Gungor, or great leader of my Spiritual life to open his mouth and speak directly into me. 

No, that is safely reserved for the Holy Spirit.

I close my eyes to look inward.

I see the letters on the back of my eyelids.

RESERVED

I remember the place card on the empty table I photographed before the wedding party arrived one week ago yesterday. 

And He soft rubs in Truth and revelation:

RESERVED means retaining or holding. The table is reserved for someone special. Someone of honor will sit here. 

RESERVED means the One who is welcome to sit at this table may freely pull up a chair. There should not be anyone in His place.

Reserved means to refrain, like the quiet man I can't wrap my mind around. How does he remain so "reserved" in his words. 

Reserved is what I should be, for God. 

There should be a "RESERVED" sign at my tongue. Reserved for His use, His intention, His choosing and partaking... 

Proverbs 10:19 

When words are many, transgression is not lacking, but whoever restrains his lips is prudent. 

James 3:6

And the tongue is a fire, a world of unrighteousness. The tongue is set among our members, staining the whole body, setting on fire the entire course of life, and set on fire by hell.

Ecclesiastes 5:2

Be not rash with your mouth, nor let your heart be hasty to utter a word before God, for God is in heaven and you are on earth. Therefore let your words be few.

Proverbs 21:23

Whoever keeps his mouth and his tongue keeps himself out of trouble.

Psalm 141:3

Set a guard, O Lord, over my mouth; keep watch over the door of my lips!

The offering in the church is being taken. And where am I again? 

Right where I belong. With my God on a day of rest. 

He's taken me, again. 

And I will follow.

Blessings

that the carcass looking meat in the snow by the front step turned out just to be a busted open pie pumpkin :)

the day after a day of rest

the work being finished

the mess cleaned up

the start of a good morning girls study of Ephesians

so many friends joining to read His Word each day

the first week of friday night vows

doing things God asks even when i don't really like it

the difference between chains and freedom

washing dishes and praying for a neighbor

knowing that our families are all eating the same cookies today

being in charge of my own schedule

short haired dogs

two weeks of mornings at the farm

my wee niblet

homeschool

science experiments and exploration

moving me to frame and find The Master's Peace

He is good if He does and good if He doesn't

"say it every single day... you never know when it's your last chance"

Blessings

Waking to my six year old, limbs all woven into mine, curled and dreaming sweet.  

My big white dog, not so big as we imagined she'd get, soft and quiet, placing her paw on my knee.

A vast sweeping of new hardwoods everywhere I look, waiting for years of family and friends to make them a part of our home.

All of us safe, healthy, and full.

God's promises, prompting, involvement and continued guidance.

New steps to healing a year old heart break.

Breaking out and trusting Him.

Window views to a January outdoor that looks like Autumn, still. 

Rice milk

My dearest friends living right in my neighborhood.

Laundry day with good shows ready for me to iron to.

Homeschooling flexibility and our fresh start beginning today.

Humbling lessons around every corner.

God's patience and grace.

One more week until we begin Good Morning Girls: Ephesians.

The number of friends and family who chose to join in growing together in the Word.

This weekends wedding, alone.

What God reminded me on the spiral stairs down from the choir balcony, and the confirmation in the calendar around the corner.

Motivation and a sound season. 

Knowing I have so far to go, so much to learn, yet being okay with all of it.

Right here and now, AND the road ahead.