For the First Time

At the end of 2012 my life came to a screeching halt. 
Everything I thought I knew was pulled out from under my feet.
Everything I thought I had, became frantically and painfully unclear. 
Everything I thought I was was reduced to smoke and dust. 

My husband and I had come to a crossroad in our marriage. 
The following months would prove to be the hardest time of our lives. 
During the following couple of years, I would spend most of my efforts balancing a devastating self-death and a new life awakening, each like I'd never known possible. I clung to God and my family with all I could muster. And when I had nothing, God heald me afloat.  

Fast forward to six years later and we have an entirely different life than the one we built during our first 12 years of marriage. 

We have since learned a new way. God has restored our marriage and strengthened our bond. 
We have become a different family. 
Our son quickly learned a better way of being - A healthier way, in which his parents are equals, and he is safe to grow and explore in our love, guidance and care.  

We also lost and let go of a lot. Including most of the people we had and loved. Our schedules, goals, circles, groups, and traditions. I abandoned almost all of the things I enjoyed doing - photography, writing, painting, home decorating, horseback riding...  

Two years ago we moved to a different house. We got rid of everything we owned except clothes, a bedroom set, and a dining room table. We gutted our new home, created our dream of a beautiful, simple, low maintenance life. We bought all new furniture and kitchenware, towels, rugs, drapes, pillows, mattresses, lawn and garden equipment. Everything. 
We made new friends with the many wonderful neighbors we have been so blessed with. 

God led us to a church after three years of drawing us to Him outside of the modern western construct. My husband serves on the creative team, producing the sound stream for the online campus. I facilitate a program that teaches women how to heal from past and present trauma in their lives. 

We started serving in our community homeschool organization, leading their Tween Group. 

My son and I fell in love with trick skateboarding at a local indoor skate park. 

But with all of these changes, most of which have been positive, there have been things yet unfinished. Some lingering, difficult, painful shards in the aftermath of our turning point. 

For me, I would have said the main problem is that "I used to be someone". 

But I have recently discovered some important, revealing facts about this "someone" I claim and have longed to restore to varying degrees over the past several years. 

These facts:
1. My old self was not founded in my identity in Christ. 
2. My old self was hurting me and the people around me.
3. My old self was just as worthy of God's plan as my current self - just not as available to receive it.   
Over the past six years I have discovered all these feelings of unworthiness, insignificance, negative self talk, melancholy, loneliness, hopelessness, depression, anger, guilt, shame... 

For years I have believed these feelings originated at the point of my marital trauma. But the truth is, it was only then, when I let down my defenses, let go of my false security, and relinquished my control, that I was able to uncover what was really beneath the surface all the years before that.

I have always been insecure and uncertain of my value. I just used a facade to hide those feelings from myself and everyone else. 

Here I was, so afraid all these years that I was losing myself. That I wouldn't be able to "be someone" ever again. That right along with all we lost and let go of, I too was gone.
I had reduced myself to permanently damaged goods. 

But for the first time in my life I am finally free to learn and embrace who I actually am. 
For the first time I can see that God brought me right here as a blessing to fulfill His promises and restore in me what was broken. 
For the first time I am looking down the unknown road of my future and I can see Light and Life