A Stand Still

I'm not sure what to do in this blog space.
I love this digital scrapbooking. 
I never want to stop making a document of my little boy's life from the heart of his mom. 

I don't feel led to and end.
But something has changed. 

I'd been slightly cocking my bad ear blocking out just enough of God's whisper to pay mind but not to hear close words. I promised, i'm here Father - forgive me some time to fit into these clothes You are holding out to me - me, SO small and dry -   
not   quite   ready for so much water.

Fears and concerns faded as God so steady stayed and kept in faithfully. I too leaned in, knowing that I wanted nothing more than I want Him, ready or not. 

Then the old sights and sounds began to roll away becoming foreign and cold. And His quiet whisper became the prevalent, more powerful encompassing - familiar and warm, like the sun reflecting off the new moon.

I thought i would feel less power to have my own light fallen. I thought there would be a dark residual feeling of solitude first. Abandoning rock star for rock.

But it turned out The Light touching surface leads to alignment with His master plan. And at that the Truth connection truly began.
All four of us being One; God, Greg, Zeek and I. 

Walking slowly and awestruck I know very little of this newness. But I can follow the seams back with my fingers all the way to the roots of my beginning.
From beginning to Beginning. 

I am listening to my Teacher. my Guide and Counselor. 

I'm waiting on direction, and I won't dare push. 

When I later get down this new list of priorities to "blog" I know that He'll guide me what and when and where...  

Forgive the time. 
I just can't move in here without His Word. 

love and blessings


A Holy Experience

Ann, a complete stranger has literally pastored me for months. 

God's Words and God's Hands... her diligent work in faith.

Her writing fills the spaces in me with Him. 
She has shown me things in a way they have never been offered to me. 

She has read and understood my heart.
She has written to and upon it.

She has taught me how to make a habit of finding Him in my real life.

She led my family to 1,128 (and counting) accounts of Gratefulness, 
and "Walking with Him Wednesdays" on any day.

She led my marriage through transformation,
with her series, "the making of a marriage bed", 
and taught me how to appreciation the quiet of a lifetime love. 

She showed me how to love everything He's made of me
and then how to let it all go.  

She has taught my family to never leave the table without chewing the real bread, satisfying our true hunger.

She brought us back to compassion and showed me the heart of her Guatemala. Brought us to Alexandro. 
to sarah and juan. 

She confirmed His asking to store the Word in our hearts. Committing to memory what quick paced and easy resources have deemed obsolete.

And now, God is moving me here,
as a blogger.

I know, like everything else He's change and healed in me,
this too will soon see change.

Thank You, God, for using Ann and her obedience to speak into this life.

Thank you,  Ann, for letting God use you so.


The Water

I sit up in bed to the dread of it again. the nagging relentless sound of what went from bountiful blessing to steady sentence in what seemed like a blink. 
Somewhere, I stopped stopping to notice and put my head down like a ram, just to get through.

I squeeze tears off the edge of my face and blast that I feel the same exact way I felt when my head hit pillow the night before, knowing I couldn't take one more step without physical rest before loosing my mind.

and I want to blame my son for being in my bed the last five hours, the last five nights, rolling over my hair, waking me. keeping the space I hardly sleep in just under the size of a human sliver, hanging on to the edge for dear life.
my muscles are sore. my head and my heart ache.

But I know that God can make rest out of nothing. So I know that I'm allowed here for a reason. a reason which I'm not to put on my son's shoulders.

I swing a leg over the side and force my weighted foot to the floor.
my kid is "starving", always. and demanding at that. and the morning hour is still in darkness.


I can already feel myself breaking away from all restraint. 
I try to remind myself over and over again:
what comes out of the mouth flows from the heart... 
what comes out of the mouth flows from the heart... 
mine's in a sad sad state these days.

I murmur under my breath, "give me a break. really."

more words from a hardened heart swarm around in my head.
And there they will stay, taunting me, deepening my sores. because 30 years of unleashing that dragon too many times to count has at least taught me to fit my fiery tongue with a heavy bit and bridle.
i'm no better off inside.

As I hit the table to do our Bible reading over breakfast I plead silently, God how long will I hold out before I have to make change... change requires an energy of which I have no supply. 
and where will I even begin?

Sure enough, shortly after Matthew 15, two sharp disrespectful little demands and an ungrateful statement resound, and I have the answer to my initial concern.
i. am. done. 

A first-time-ever full day grounding to the bedroom feels best. safest. As for whose grounded and to whose room, I consider for a brief moment...

aren't i raising him? isn't he five? didn't he learn how to talk and walk and spit and spat and roll over the top of me somewhere?
wasn't it me?

but the same as I try to convince him, I am the adult who's responsible to guide him. 
Even if though I do fail 90% of the time.
So it's his mouth and his stomping feet that head off to his bedroom for the day.

And happy as can be he plays and reads and does his best school work to date.

And guilty and shamed, angry and hurt, blaming and lost as can be I loath and creep away to cry deep and call my best women with convulsions of confessions. 

A day of pouring out failures and fears over steaming iron, mop and dish towel... 
we are parents of single, multiple, biological and adopted children, all in a similar boat, learning how to row at the same time dipping buckets of water leaked and heaving them over and out.

I wanted a new boat.
I wanted it badly enough that I took the pills. 
and it felt good for awhile. I felt "normal". For awhile.
I stepped up my homemaker role a notch...

and that was about it.

but I heard Him in that bathroom 200 miles from home. I heard His call and I trembled at the echo in my heart. my unwilling, unready heart.

I've since dipped a finger or four into that water. the water He led me to the bank of one year ago. the water where at first response I slid a rickety excuse for a craft into, with me safely atop gripping broken oars. the water He's asking me to scale this hull I've clung to and drop straight into today. 
His water. 

I've been returning my inner workings/hormones/body to it's prior state, in ruins as it was. No more crutches. Shifting weight from man-made solutions back through me, back over to Him.

I'm warm and washed into the tall thick of the bluff. I would call it shipwrecked if my ship were worthy, but it's proven otherwise, again. 
I can feel the water rolling over the tops of my feet. I can hear the whisper and the same song segment that has broadcast interruption and run through my spirit a thousand times these past weeks...

"if only i could get lost in His ocean. 
surviving on the thought of loving You.
He's just like the water..."

This is not a test. This is the real thing. 

i have to let go and get in.
God, please.