Down Time

It's been awhile since I've been here. I've been journaling and sketching more on my own, and I haven't really had any direction for this space. These are writings I will revisit and reread. I feel inspired and motivated in the right direction by what is here. I love that it reads back to me like someone else's words.

I will keep this place incase there is another season for it. But for now, I will continue the break.
Thanks for visiting.
See you soon.


Counting in Pictures #651-664

* the yellow roses from him
in the maple syrup jug from her
on the window i love

* a mango and a pear, straight up

* the view from my spot on a snowy day

* my favorite tea 

* a flower silhouette on the wall

* how we never leave a room 
without our colored pencil jar

* yellow

* the big sunny entry with that old bench,
the barn wood, shoes lined up in a row...

 * his heart, words, tenderness, arms,
kisses, love letters, strength and devotion, 
his blue eyes for me, and
the way he traces my world with his fingertips

* the morning when our bed looked
so cuddly the way we were the night before -
i didn't have the heart to make it

* always flowers

* mine in my kitchen -
her's in her kitchen
always reminds me of us

* our little house episode every night before 
he's off to "dream land"
and oh how we do recon pa knows best :)

* a big bowl of peanut butter and jelly


Taking Too Much???

I suppose it was inevitable... in seeking to find, and see, and name the gifts overflowing, I draw bent broke over, reaching, stretching hard to find a way to possibly deserve. To bring to light the position to give it all back, after all.

Is it a dysfunctional need for reversal that is based in the lies that He wouldn't give so much, wouldn't want us to receive so far and beyond our need?

Or is this what God has for a spirit in the depths of certain gratitude?

What more could we possibly be given before what we give feels so small we can't take anymore?

My plans are overshadowed by my commitment to His... so why make other plans than those to be in Him? Why not only stand still and only move when He wills?

He put me right here. Right where I sit, with everything I need to do what He wants me to do for Him. There is nothing to strive for. So what am I doing? 

Should I seek to change our lifestyle, home and income base to what
I think would make me better for Him? Less space, less luxury, a happier work situation for my husband, more available finances to give away freely... Or should I be still and see how everything is just as He desires, and all I really have any control over is the one thing I refuse to look at, the only thing I don't try to move or change...

If I stop trying to figure out where I should be and I just look at where I am, wouldn't I be amazed at how much I could be doing for Him, right here?

If I had less and felt stressed and edged my sacrifice further toward worthy would things be any different?

This isn't about my worldly condition or position. It's about my spiritual condition and position. 
He who finds his life will lose it and he who loses his life for God's sake will find it (Matt10:39).

Why is it so much harder to stop and trust than it is to push and make things happen?



I do well in the face of adversity. 
I am patient, quiet, loving, sacrificial and good willed. 
It's not by my own skill that this happens. 
It is fruit of obedience from hard reigning myself to His direction.
It's giving me up and letting Him in, over and over until now, where it's become the new habit in place of the old.

But then, when I'm on my own... when I'm doing dishes and my mind gets going away from the spirit of sisters, brothers, or my responsibility to them in His honor... when I wake up from a night of who-knows-what kind of free dreaming and unsound reasoning... when I'm just 51% human and 49% Christ-filled, OH HOW I STUMBLE.

Oh what I
What I'm owed.
What I need to protect.
What I have earned the right to.
What righteous anger I'm entitled to.

What a thick mess I stir.

I know that if I steer into alignment with God, it all goes away.

I'm not angry at the neighbor dog for making my child panic on his own land. I'm not prideful and protective of my property and our right to be safe.

I don't own land. And I don't put dogs before God's own. And I go to Him. And Trust His power to honor those who call on His name (Psalm 91)

I don't reel in my mind the hurtful things said by a friend. I don't justify my anger or work on ways I might stop people from continuing to run me over with there character flaws. 

I'm forgiving and forgetful. I move and choose by Him. I know full well that I am not different from those who hurt me. We are all flawed, together. And there is peace and fruit that ends the turmoil inside and out (Phil 4:7)

When I align myself with God, I don't worry in the night.

I don't question how to defend myself now, in all my silence.
I don't work on sharpening a new set of tools that will more effectively stop people from hurting me or my family. 
I'm not watching out for myself - taking care that no bad thing is said or done against me.

I sleep sound.
I know fully Who protects me.
I leave way for His work.
I don't just keep quiet. I feel quiet in my spirit.

If I can abandon my flesh, knowing I'm forgiven and that my spirit is what counts, why shouldn't I learn to abandon the flesh of others, knowing they are forgiven, forgiving them, and staying connected to their spirits in Spirit?

I need work in this area. I need good reminding scripture to fill my head and heart.

Don't we all need good reminding scripture to lead us by the hand and fill the gaps with Light?



It's taken me awhile, and I still don't believe I've seen the full of it yet, but a third of the way through 2012 I am realizing things I did not understand during my personal trails last year. 

It's so clear now, I'm actually feeling silly. And I'd love to remind myself again that when I am limping through something wondering, "why God? why!!!", that trials are learning and growing pallets. That richness will follow the hurt. And everything will be okay. 

And here I am, so quiet I have hardly written in months. 
Learning how to love people without talking. 
Figuring out how to share myself without opening my mouth. 
Discovering ways to process life without words. 
Learning how to BELIEVE what I believe even when I'm not saying it.

All of this has it's trials. I've been fooled by it. Wondering why I was breaking down, seeming to have a loss of interest in friends, loosing the writer in me, not knowing what to bring when it isn't noise anymore. 
It can't be noise anymore. 

For so long I've wanted to know what would motivate me to SHUT UP.
And now I have it. 
It's just one word: caution  

I've become painfully aware of how unsafe I made myself and those around me before I realized how dangerous it is to be completely unguarded. 
Two years ago I would have thought that was a sad revelation to come to, because in loose lips there is a great freedom. 
I imagine also, so there would be with a loose stabbing hand, or unbridled driving habits, and that the effects of each would be similar. 

Oh, I begged Him alright. I begged to be over me. I begged to shut up. Begged to know what it is of quiet and cautious that might be so blessed? 

I thought He was sure taking His time fixing me. I was wondering what in me didn't truly want what I was asking for. I was looking for the dotted line I hadn't signed yet. 
But in my hindsight I can see that He was working on it, diligently, all the while.

He knew it would take a lot more than I ever imagined I'd need to finally close my mouth. 

And I'm SO grateful that He's God.  


must keep counting

With such a blessed and even privileged life, I don't know how I can be so annoyed by little things going wrong. I need to list the good, thank God for all of this and more, meditate on what is right and let the wrong go unaccounted for. 

Thank You, Father for

* such an incredible little boy who continues to grow bigger and stronger in size, heart, and prayers

* that white dog, who can't replace the last but does an amazing job of replacing what was once daily tears with new joy 

* the washer and dryer, the dishwasher, disposable disinfectant wipes, the robot vacuum, the self cleaning cat box... all of these convinces that make it possible for me to find time to enjoy life with my family and take care of myself

* the abundance of beautiful surroundings both inside and outside of my home

* a warm winter

* Mark Gungor's sermon about "I don't care", which the mere thought of can put me right back where I belong

* clothes, shoes, jackets, heat, food and water, supplies, cars, gas, homeschool, toys...

* God's love, jealousy, and faithful continuous pursuance

* the picture of my deep failure next to His much greater Grace and Forgiveness

* such love