why is it so hard to come to this place?
no matter that i've seen it and all the glory thereafter, the fully immersed body and soul... i still hesitate and procrastinate. even this writing is a possible avoidance tactic in this hour. 

He's asked me to come again. To drag myself busted and limping to His feet where I can only lay and live through the haunting sweet memory of what He did there, at the cross for me; the unforgiving, angry, stubborn prideful child, lip dripping "i will not". 

I've taken a stand again. I've set up the idol of self that sticks crooked and ridged. I've strong armed my own soul and God in trying to uphold myself. I've lied to myself at the shaking core and I'm just a breath away from toppling over. But I still stand, hard and sure. 
I believe the lie that there is good in the strength it takes me to hold this position. 
But really I am holding Him off, 
holding at bay my soul's longing to let go of me and forgive in Him. 
I'm exercising a muscle that assures I will not walk away from this free in His forgiveness and promises.

When I yelled and she grabbed and shook   and tore in   I was at my end with her, seven years ago. When I walked away and lay begging Him for help He presented the option... 
He promised that it would be worth it, going against everything I ever heard, saw, learned or practiced. He promised He would take over and take care, if only I could do it: let go of my service to self and take on all the blame, like He did. 
It only made sense because He put it there. I could only follow through with it because He works in our great weaknesses surrendered. 

And I walked in wearing years of casted claw marks and heart wounds, spiting words and twisting daggers. I named them each my own fault and asked for forgiveness. 
And I bled out. 
And in His name there came an end to the ongoing raging war. 
It was done. 
And I've never been capable of loving someone the way I've loved her since. 

It happened once more. The beckoning me to the cross, assuring relief after my own death. It presented and I accepted again. 
Same pain, same blood, same love resulting.
And another child of His -sister of mine- can do no wrong. 

Still I dance around this miracle again. As if stepping in and killing off my flesh disease might not be worth healing and freedom. I dance like a crazy chicken lady.        chicken. 
I feel the overflow of my heart banging up against the back of my tongue...
it's not fair! it's gone on for years! it's never going to change! it's toxic and doesn't deserve freedom to continue to streak wildly rearing it's head at me! why do i have to make the sacrifice? why me?!

But I meet Him here, every morning, knowing He will quiet the skin and forgive the sin. Knowing He will faithfully lead me to this forgiveness place, kicking and screaming as I do. 

I'm here under his wing, waiting for His lift off call. 
God help me.
Only You. 


  1. This is just a beautiful post! Especially meaningful for me - "knowing He will quiet the skin and forgive the sin."



  2. Love this "But I meet Him here, every morning, knowing He will quiet the skin and forgive the sin. Knowing He will faithfully lead me to this forgiveness place, kicking and screaming as I do." So powerful and full of meaning today. Thank you.

  3. How many times have I fought Him, fought what I know He wants me to do? Too many to count. But you saying this, "The beckoning me to the cross, assuring relief after my own death" just convicted me anew that His way is the only way for peace, assured relief. But only if I die to self. Thank you for posting. God bless you -

  4. Thank you so much for this powerful, beautiful prayer. My heart responds. I am so grateful.

  5. My spirit witnesses with your words. Thanks for such a great post!

  6. I came over from Ann’s. It took me a while to get here because I’ve been reading so many thank you lists :)

    I’ve stood in this place – I think we all have. And I heart this! “Knowing He will faithfully lead me to this forgiveness place, kicking and screaming as I do.” Amen - just amen.

    I was blessed by this today. Thank you.

    May God watch over and guide you and all of yours.

  7. Forgiving someone who has hurt us - I've been there. I've decided that sometimes in order to forgive, you need to recognize the hurt, recognize the anger, before you can actually forgive - because then you recognize fully what you are doing. And God does heal, does make whole - all because we want it so badly - and it comes through this forgiveness. Of course, it's tough when that person does not seek forgiveness, does not come and ask for it, so we can give it to them, and rebuild. We have it, we can give it - but it's frustrating when it's not wanted.

    You expressed this so well:) Be blessed in this forgiveness journey!

  8. hi! so glad i found your little quiet, peaceful blog! loved reading this, and especially "quieting" my skin today and speaking to my heart because i emailed a friend that i havent seen in almost a year--an old hurt, a relationship torn by misunderstanding...God knows why we hurt over these things and also knows why we must go through them. now i think i know what i must do. i must not only forgive, but i must be willing to take on the blame, to stop being afraid and pointing the finger, and to take the fault and accusations and bear them, knowing that God covers me. you have really, really helped today. thanks for posting this! how GOd is speaking through you!!!


Your kind words are a blessing to me. Thank you for taking the time to share your heart.