no talking...

I've often wondered and prayed about my talkativeness.The answer to that prayer seems to be coming in the form of a supposed virus.

Diagnosed with viral laryngitis, I've been prescribed nothing but hydration, physical rest, and no talking. 

No talking. 

That's like going to the gym for me.

No talking seems impossible. Whether it's words or song, I've always found it irresistible to fill dead airspace between two or more with sound. There are few special people I can comfortably sit in silence with. I am well known to out-talk the talkiest of talkers.  

Of course, I've talked about it. I've concluded in the presence of my closest of friends that I fill space because it is terribly uncomfortable for me to sit in someone else's silence. 

During the past few days of no talking for me I have learned so much more about that discomfort. And I continue to learn.  

I didn't realize how much I associate silence with bad things.

Silence speaks loud and clear volumes to me.

True or untrue, silence says to me that a person is of one of these models:

unhappy

angry

biting their tongue

holding back

punishing with the "silent treatment"

nervous

skeptical

insecure

feeling unworthy

having low-self esteem

opinionated

brooding

showing distain

sparing people what they really think because it isn't good

untrustworthy

sneaky

hiding

omitting

guilty

in trouble

rude

haughty

arrogant

passing judgment

antisocial

timid

uninteresting

wallflower...

I know that there are connotations that go along with chatty people.

annoying

ignorant

unbridled

having no control

self centered

insecure

over indulgent

etc...

But I am a little of all those things. It's true. 

And I'd rather be seen that way than to be misrepresented in silence. 

I'm not bitter, insecure, antisocial, untrustworthy, rude, or a liar. I'm not trying to hide something, get away with something, or avoid something. I am right here, available and capable. I'm for you and with you, and although I'm more careful of what I will give you than I might have used to be, I do not withhold myself. I believe you deserve the common courtesy, love, and care that I would extend to anyone created by the same loving Father.

I love to hear your stories, where you came from, what you believe and why. I love to know the details of your heart. It's a treasure to me that I keep locked away in a special place. Sharing leads to loyalty, trust, prayer, and family.

My current required silence is really stretching me. 

In the mall when a person wants to talk to me and I have to keep it short and simple, I feel like I've taken something from them. 

When my kid sits at the dinner table and no one says anything, I feel like we're missing SO much of each other. 

When the phone rings and I have to text the person that I can't talk now, I feel rude.

When a service man comes to the house and I have to stay away so as not to communicate, I feel like I've lost the chance at extending our family.  

I feel like words, sharing, encouraging, responding, engaging with interest are all gifts we offer each other. I feel like I'm wrapping gifts and hiding them in the attic to collect dust, right now.

I know there is more to this. I know that what is happening is good for me. 

I'm praying through it. Keeping my eyes and ears open. I'm looking for truth and light behind all these ideas and notions that are surfacing about my interpretations of silence vs. sharing. 

I know this is an exercise in which for me to learn and grow. 

I don't usually do this, but if you have thoughts or ideas on this, prayerfully consider sharing them with me, please. I know my ideas freshly laid out might look a little stiff, close-minded, or even dark. I'm letting them out to stretch with me and hopefully take aim in a little better direction.

I'd love to hear from you. :)

Blessings in silence. 

in gratitude for

• an early morning playdate with puppies 
• two boys' digging deep into a sandbox and their rekindled friendship 
• a meeting with an old school, straight shooting, high school coach
• God's unending love for his children
• stopping to turn around and hold a broken one 
• three days on the calendar for next week with my son's bff 
• the way his new sister makes him so happy and different- fulfilled
• google translate
• having her beside me in the kitchen
• teaching her to cook 
• fresh baby lemon-basil clippings for our stuffed manicotti 
• an early home husband
• pandora's paraguayan radio stations
• dim lit dinner for a family of four
• first pickles
• sugar cookies stacked with double berry cheesecake ice cream
• the beautiful hum of my maid servants; dishwasher, washing machine, and dryer
• pink and cream roses piled high from the weekend welcoming
• school things right around the corner
• the changing of life, into the unknown
• waiting for the unexpected
• knowing it will be grand again
• something i've never seen before 

A Prayer, Please

My almost six year old son listens to Toby Mac incessantly. One of the songs I hear blaring from his room sings, 

"give me that funky Jesus music, give me that soulful gumbo."

I seriously need some Jesus Gumbo right now. I have not been passionate or moved in anything pertaining to my spirit in connection with God in too long. 

I'm not feeling dried up. He's very much here, present and involved. It's me who's lacking/slacking.

A couple of months ago time came and swept me up like a tide. And not that I'm less busy now, but I have time back again (if that makes any sense) and I just can't seem to get back "in it". You know?

I had great things rolling for a good stretch before summer. From Ann Voskamp and the gratitude project, to Walking with Him Wednesdays, to some really great books including "The Pursuit of God", to Compassion, to Women Living Well, to a proverbs 31 study which I devoured, to God Speaks, to reading all of your websites which meant SO much to me, to a James study... all right here in my home. 

Now, I'm looking out, ready, and I can't snag onto anything I remotely have a heart for. 

I should at least be DEEP in prayer, maybe even fasting right now for my family, my parents home front, my husbands work, my son's relationships, my coming FES daughter's travels and readied heart. Barb V, Dolly G, and even me. 

But I lay my hands on his deeply breathing chest in the morning and press out a few hard to find words in my half-sleep. I curl around my little one and squeak out the only thing that always comes to me when I ask anything for him -safety and health and that He will be planted deep down and soundly in his little heart, forever. Amen 

So, if you could help me if you are reading this: ask God to give me a gentle little nudge into what ever area of Him He has for me next. I want it so badly.

Pray that He gives me what it takes -motivation, fire, passion, inspiration... to get me in that water again.

If you have any ideas or are being moved by something you are in love with these days in Spirit, share it with me would you, please? 

Thanks so much for checking in on me. 

I hope that all is well with you.

Blessings and love, 

Lora

Coming Back to Gratitude (sometimes i really do forget)

Fresh vegetables from a neighbor.
My 12 year old looking stick-like body, all in working order.

Pug nails, ticking.
One Sunflower filled with seeds and memories.

Having Time back.
Love songs to Him running through my always song stuck mind.
Hot morning coffee.

Baby gates.
The rare but always beautiful landing of a particular forever friend.

Home purging.
Pushing out to bring in.
Being almost there.

Seeing Him again.
A hot summer day poolside with my own son: an old longing dream fulfilled again.

Sundresses.
The way the light streams in.

Paper wings planted like morning kisses.

The recent discovery of a special place nearby.

This one and only. Always.

Thank You God, for all of this.

dreaming of her

My whole life is consumed by her, right now. Almost everything I do throughout the day is in preparation for our life with her, beginning so soon. 

Everything I mark on the calendar I dream of participating in with her.

When I think about going to the sentsy party at Dawn's, I can not wait for her to meet Dawn - for Dawn to meet her - for her to meet sentsy, chose one for her room, smell all the scents and decide which ones she loves.

When I think of going to Apple's class that first Thursday that she is here, I think of her riding in the front seat next to me on the way - seeing the puppy at her best, in working action - meeting Jeff and sitting with Zeek on the benches in class.

When I chop veggies for my weekly pico creation, I wonder if she'll sit across the island and tell me about her school day - if she'll want to chop with me - if she'll love pico and tortilla chips like I do - the ways she might make a change in what I throw together.

I go into her beautiful, pink, girly room and imagine her doing homework at her desk, or laying on her bed with her laptop, or picking out her outfit for a day out with her new family!!! :)

I CAN NOT STOP thinking every single thing with her in it.

The seasons, holidays, events, shows, music, car rides, Packer games, sunsets, evening walks, cooking, eating, movies, gatherings, bon-fires, showing her everything... every single last thing. With her.

Just FIVE more days! 

I am completely beside myself. 

In His Good Time

I keep expecting this summer to slow down and become something else- something more still and peaceful. But it just keeps on rushing by.

I look back fondly at the soft easy days of the season just passed- the season that was full of time and God's obvious constant presence. I smile at how I imagined it would stay forever. 

These days there isn't time to even wonder if I could re-obtain some of that sweet life.

But this summer has been fun. Full to the brim every day with projects, activities, events, plans plans plans. And I can hardly keep my heartbeat in step with the fast tune of our weeks. I feel like I will only know the beauty of what these days held when I look back. That's not easy when I so love the present of being present. I am missing some of this right now.  

But the promises keep being fulfilled. The signs and whispers and reminders still blow through and stop me for a brief moment in my tracks. I snap a photo. TRY to hold on. To muster up some feelings about now. 

Then we're quickly slapping together pb&j #482 of the summer, cramming back into the jeep for a dog class, soccer game, swim date, library run, VBS, farmers market, drop off, pick up, groceries, performance, ice cream, beach, park...

All wonderfully exciting, though a bit terribly fast. 

I have not missed noticing the women in my life. The women that God has been working on showing me. The ones who are safe and sound. Many who have been here all along. Some new who gently pull up without intentions or claws. Women who have their own lives and don't want to become mine. Women who aren't afraid to make calls and commitments. Women who take care, not suck and drain and steal. 

It's amazing how many women are living out their lives with Jesus and not just saying the words. It's amazing how I've seen Him through my time with them- through them. 

And the one lone wild turkey went from her wondering solitude to a pair...

Then we spotted her as a group of four... and most recently five!   

It's all coming around. 
A little later than I expected, but in His good timing. 
Always. 

Each & Every One

As I watched the people and children gather together to hula-hoop and enjoy the market, I thought of what it must have been like 50 years ago. For a moment I was transported to an older, safer, more wholesome era. 

I snapped a photograph.

As soon as my shutter reopened I felt a sadness for you as reality set in. You will never know those kinds of days. And only God knows what you will live to see.

Then I remembered how blessed we are to be in these times. When we are so clearly getting nearer to the point. Where the motivation to know and serve Him is heightened. In which the honor of being truly set apart will become so apparent.

As I flashed through a scene from the past to this scene in the now, I inhaled knowing that if given a choice all my life I would have chosen today.