For the First Time

At the end of 2012 my life came to a screeching halt. 
Everything I thought I knew was pulled out from under my feet.
Everything I thought I had, became frantically and painfully unclear. 
Everything I thought I was was reduced to smoke and dust. 

My husband and I had come to a crossroad in our marriage. 
The following months would prove to be the hardest time of our lives. 
During the following couple of years, I would spend most of my efforts balancing a devastating self-death and a new life awakening, each like I'd never known possible. I clung to God and my family with all I could muster. And when I had nothing, God heald me afloat.  

Fast forward to six years later and we have an entirely different life than the one we built during our first 12 years of marriage. 

We have since learned a new way. God has restored our marriage and strengthened our bond. 
We have become a different family. 
Our son quickly learned a better way of being - A healthier way, in which his parents are equals, and he is safe to grow and explore in our love, guidance and care.  

We also lost and let go of a lot. Including most of the people we had and loved. Our schedules, goals, circles, groups, and traditions. I abandoned almost all of the things I enjoyed doing - photography, writing, painting, home decorating, horseback riding...  

Two years ago we moved to a different house. We got rid of everything we owned except clothes, a bedroom set, and a dining room table. We gutted our new home, created our dream of a beautiful, simple, low maintenance life. We bought all new furniture and kitchenware, towels, rugs, drapes, pillows, mattresses, lawn and garden equipment. Everything. 
We made new friends with the many wonderful neighbors we have been so blessed with. 

God led us to a church after three years of drawing us to Him outside of the modern western construct. My husband serves on the creative team, producing the sound stream for the online campus. I facilitate a program that teaches women how to heal from past and present trauma in their lives. 

We started serving in our community homeschool organization, leading their Tween Group. 

My son and I fell in love with trick skateboarding at a local indoor skate park. 

But with all of these changes, most of which have been positive, there have been things yet unfinished. Some lingering, difficult, painful shards in the aftermath of our turning point. 

For me, I would have said the main problem is that "I used to be someone". 

But I have recently discovered some important, revealing facts about this "someone" I claim and have longed to restore to varying degrees over the past several years. 

These facts:
1. My old self was not founded in my identity in Christ. 
2. My old self was hurting me and the people around me.
3. My old self was just as worthy of God's plan as my current self - just not as available to receive it.   
Over the past six years I have discovered all these feelings of unworthiness, insignificance, negative self talk, melancholy, loneliness, hopelessness, depression, anger, guilt, shame... 

For years I have believed these feelings originated at the point of my marital trauma. But the truth is, it was only then, when I let down my defenses, let go of my false security, and relinquished my control, that I was able to uncover what was really beneath the surface all the years before that.

I have always been insecure and uncertain of my value. I just used a facade to hide those feelings from myself and everyone else. 

Here I was, so afraid all these years that I was losing myself. That I wouldn't be able to "be someone" ever again. That right along with all we lost and let go of, I too was gone.
I had reduced myself to permanently damaged goods. 

But for the first time in my life I am finally free to learn and embrace who I actually am. 
For the first time I can see that God brought me right here as a blessing to fulfill His promises and restore in me what was broken. 
For the first time I am looking down the unknown road of my future and I can see Light and Life

His Provisions are Clear

There are things He's done -always, and in particular, of late- that I need to keep.

Like the way my truck went bad, and the shop said $5500 for a new engine, and Greg said "wait on Him", and Piano Carolyn's husband Tom called and confirmed. Wait on Him.
And we made ourselves small. And the path to His got clearer. And we said we could be a one car family, and maybe that was the Plan.
And then it was just a wire. And just $550.
And my truck.

Like the way I was later finally convinced that the best idea was to buy a newer SUV to replace mine, to have lower mileage and enough room for Zeek to fit, for family traveling...
And Greg was on the corner coming home early that Friday. To bring me to look at SUVs.
And the F150 backed over the Bug, squishing it on the road. Totaled.
And Greg walked away, unharmed.
Days after it was Paid in Full. 
And what would have been $9000 in a sale we weren't considering, turned into $11,600.
And we're back in a Mazda, where we met when this whole life began.

Like the way the Willow removal quotes were in the thousands and we scoffed and watched it sway warnings overhead. Stood tall and sure through the biggest winter storm of the year, in April. Winds 40 and 50 mph. Then, weeks later, in the dead still of midnight, it laid itself down to the spring fresh ground in the only space it wouldn't tough a thing. And thousands turned to affordable hundreds. And sweet little Eugene showed up talking about Jeanie and the hanging swing. And down it came.

Like the way I posted all that giant, cut up wood online, Free For The Taking, just before Greg took the day off to clean it up with me. And we cleaned, stacked and stored our own share just in time for Bobby to come with his crew and take the rest. $100 later and even the rotten wood was removed.

Like the way things worked out in the attic when the insulation got lodged in the drain tube and everything could have flooded, but He is watching and taking care of us.

Like the way the door kept closing with Tibbs Construction and their $950 quote. And when we stopped trying to walk through it, another door opened, at half the price and immediate scheduling and results.

Like the way the leaking spigot in the laundry room just needed to be tightened down. And the bathtub hardware could be replaced with $65 and some Holy Spirit led elbow grease. And the way fixing the toilet was the same but cheaper.

Like how one thing leads to another Just as He Ordains. Like the way He takes care of it all because it is all His. Like one miracle after the next. We will not look away.

Down Time

It's been awhile since I've been here. I've been journaling and sketching more on my own, and I haven't really had any direction for this space. These are writings I will revisit and reread. I feel inspired and motivated in the right direction by what is here. I love that it reads back to me like someone else's words.

I will keep this place incase there is another season for it. But for now, I will continue the break.
Thanks for visiting.
See you soon.

Counting in Pictures #651-664

* the yellow roses from him

in the maple syrup jug from her

on the window i love

* a mango and a pear, straight up

* the view from my spot on a snowy day

* my favorite tea 

* a flower silhouette on the wall

* how we never leave a room 

without our colored pencil jar

* yellow

* the big sunny entry with that old bench,

the barn wood, shoes lined up in a row...

 * his heart, words, tenderness, arms,

kisses, love letters, strength and devotion, 

his blue eyes for me, and

the way he traces my world with his fingertips

* the morning when our bed looked

so cuddly the way we were the night before -

i didn't have the heart to make it

* always flowers

* mine in my kitchen -

her's in her kitchen

always reminds me of us

* our little house episode every night before 

he's off to "dream land"

and oh how we do recon pa knows best :)

* a big bowl of peanut butter and jelly

Taking Too Much???

I suppose it was inevitable... in seeking to find, and see, and name the gifts overflowing, I draw bent broke over, reaching, stretching hard to find a way to possibly deserve. To bring to light the position to give it all back, after all.

Is it a dysfunctional need for reversal that is based in the lies that He wouldn't give so much, wouldn't want us to receive so far and beyond our need?

Or is this what God has for a spirit in the depths of certain gratitude?

What more could we possibly be given before what we give feels so small we can't take anymore?

My plans are overshadowed by my commitment to His... so why make other plans than those to be in Him? Why not only stand still and only move when He wills?

He put me right here. Right where I sit, with everything I need to do what He wants me to do for Him. There is nothing to strive for. So what am I doing? 

Should I seek to change our lifestyle, home and income base to what I think would make me better for Him? Less space, less luxury, a happier work situation for my husband, more available finances to give away freely... Or should I be still and see how everything is just as He desires, and all I really have any control over is the one thing I refuse to look at, the only thing I don't try to move or change...
me.

If I stop trying to figure out where I should be and I just look at where I am, wouldn't I be amazed at how much I could be doing for Him, right here?

If I had less and felt stressed and edged my sacrifice further toward worthy would things be any different?

This isn't about my worldly condition or position. It's about my spiritual condition and position. He who finds his life will lose it and he who loses his life for God's sake will find it (Matt10:39).

Why is it so much harder to stop and trust than it is to push and make things happen?

alignment

I do well in the face of adversity. 
I am patient, quiet, loving, sacrificial and good willed. 
It's not by my own skill that this happens. 
It is fruit of obedience from hard reigning myself to His direction.
It's giving me up and letting Him in, over and over until now, where it's become the new habit in place of the old.

But then, when I'm on my own... when I'm doing dishes and my mind gets going away from the spirit of sisters, brothers, or my responsibility to them in His honor... when I wake up from a night of who-knows-what kind of free dreaming and unsound reasoning... when I'm just 51% human and 49% Christ-filled, OH HOW I STUMBLE.

Oh what I deserve.
What I'm owed.
What I need to protect.
What I have earned the right to.
What righteous anger I'm entitled to.

What a thick mess I stir.

I know that if I steer into alignment with God, it all goes away.

I'm not angry at the neighbor dog for making my child panic on his own land. I'm not prideful and protective of my property and our right to be safe.
I don't own land. And I don't put dogs before God's own. And I go to Him. And Trust His power to honor those who call on His name (Psalm 91)

I don't reel in my mind the hurtful things said by a friend. I don't justify my anger or work on ways I might stop people from continuing to run me over with there character flaws. 
I'm forgiving and forgetful. I move and choose by Him. I know full well that I am not different from those who hurt me. We are all flawed, together. And there is peace and fruit that ends the turmoil inside and out (Phil 4:7)

When I align myself with God, I don't worry in the night.
I don't question how to defend myself now, in all my silence.
I don't work on sharpening a new set of tools that will more effectively stop people from hurting me or my family. 
I'm not watching out for myself - taking care that no bad thing is said or done against me.

I sleep sound.
I know fully Who protects me.
I leave way for His work.
I don't just keep quiet. I feel quiet in my spirit.


If I can abandon my flesh, knowing I'm forgiven and that my spirit is what counts, why shouldn't I learn to abandon the flesh of others, knowing they are forgiven, forgiving them, and staying connected to their spirits in Spirit?

I need work in this area. I need good reminding scripture to fill my head and heart.

Don't we all need good reminding scripture to lead us by the hand and fill the gaps with Light?

Thank You, God