It's taken me awhile, and I still don't believe I've seen the full of it yet, but a third of the way through 2012 I am realizing things I did not understand during my personal trails last year.
It's so clear now, I'm actually feeling silly. And I'd love to remind myself again that when I am limping through something wondering, "why God? why!!!", that trials are learning and growing pallets. That richness will follow the hurt. And everything will be okay.
And here I am, so quiet I have hardly written in months.
Learning how to love people without talking.
Figuring out how to share myself without opening my mouth.
Discovering ways to process life without words.
Learning how to BELIEVE what I believe even when I'm not saying it.
All of this has it's trials. I've been fooled by it. Wondering why I was breaking down, seeming to have a loss of interest in friends, loosing the writer in me, not knowing what to bring when it isn't noise anymore.
It can't be noise anymore.
For so long I've wanted to know what would motivate me to SHUT UP.
And now I have it.
And now I have it.
It's just one word: caution
I've become painfully aware of how unsafe I made myself and those around me before I realized how dangerous it is to be completely unguarded.
Two years ago I would have thought that was a sad revelation to come to, because in loose lips there is a great freedom.
I imagine also, so there would be with a loose stabbing hand, or unbridled driving habits, and that the effects of each would be similar.
Oh, I begged Him alright. I begged to be over me. I begged to shut up. Begged to know what it is of quiet and cautious that might be so blessed?
I thought He was sure taking His time fixing me. I was wondering what in me didn't truly want what I was asking for. I was looking for the dotted line I hadn't signed yet.
But in my hindsight I can see that He was working on it, diligently, all the while.
He knew it would take a lot more than I ever imagined I'd need to finally close my mouth.
And I'm SO grateful that He's God.